I've seen Sew Infertile comment on other blogs, and I think I'd even read some of her posts but didn't do so regularly. Her post entitled Abor.tion really just shocked me. I was raised Catholic and I don't agree with anything she says. I know, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but sometimes I just don't get people.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
I don't agree
"It's very different from adopting," Paulson agreed. "Everyone would rather have a baby from their own egg and their husband's sperm, but if that's not possible, the next best thing after that is that you get pregnant with donor egg."
"With adoption you get to be a parent once the baby is born but with donor egg, you get to be a parent from the moment of conception," he added.
The mother bonds with the child by carrying it for nine months, said Silber, "and whatever question marks she may have had by it not having her DNA are erased by this bonding process."
Taken from this article:
"With adoption you get to be a parent once the baby is born but with donor egg, you get to be a parent from the moment of conception," he added.
The mother bonds with the child by carrying it for nine months, said Silber, "and whatever question marks she may have had by it not having her DNA are erased by this bonding process."
Taken from this article:
I think you are a parent of an adopted child the first time you "meet" that child, be it through pictures, through a surrogate ultrasound, or in person. I know that with Ché we bonded with his picture, the reports that came telling us how he was doing, and progressing.
DNA and pregnancy do not make you a parent by any means.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
SITM
Finally getting around to this SITM post. It's been rattling around in my head for quite some time now, just haven't had a minute to sit down and type it out.
The SITM topic for Winter 2010 is to reflect on the ways that the blogging community provided support for us personally in regards to infertility in 2009.
Here's our long story:
In 2001, when I was 19 years old, on my way home from a wedding in Philadelphia I had severe abdominal pain on my right side. Thinking it was appendicitis our whole two car caravan stopped in Ohio somewhere about 5 hours from home at an emergency room. After many hours in the ER we found out that I had an ovarian cyst on my right ovary and they sent me on my way with pain meds and orders to see a gynecologist at home. I had never been to an OB/GYN before, so it was a scary ordeal. I remember vividly thinking that my then boyfriend would hightail it out of the relationship as soon as he dropped us off at home. As I found out later, my mom even talked to him about this and that no one would think any worse of him if he didn’t want to continue the relationship. Of course this is the last thing Mike would have done.
After I finished my spring semester of college, I had surgery, to remove the cyst. Before going under the OB/GYN told me that it was going to be laparoscopic, quick and easy. When I woke up I had searing pain across my whole abdomen. Come to find out the cyst, which was the size of a coke can had wrapped itself around my fallopian tube so doing a small surgery wasn’t possible. I walked out of the hospital with a nice c-section size scar, 1 less fallopian tube, and low risk malignancy spots. Even though I was only 20 at the time of the surgery I made sure I asked the OB/GYN if this would cause problems later on when I wanted to have children. The answer I received was absolutely not. Being so trusting of doctors like I always have been, I believed her. By this time Mike and I were engaged and planning a 2004 wedding.
That summer we talked a lot about having kids, and wedding things, etc. We had three years until we were going to get married, it would give me time to finish school, and get my student teaching done. Mike is 4 years older than me so he would be 26 when we got married, and I would be 22. It seemed like a sensible idea. The surgery really changed things, and we decided to move the wedding up a year, giving us a jump start on having children, and make it so I was a year younger when trying to have children. We got married in October 2003, in the midst of my student teaching.
We waited until summer of the next year if I remember correctly to try getting pregnant. Knowing that I only have one tube that it could take a little longer, but we had our spirits up. Naïve and unknowing we tried for a few months. Around September, 2 years after the surgery we went back to the OB/GYN (the same one) and started talking about ways to help us get pregnant. We started on clomid in December which coincided with my first ever airplane trip with my in-laws to California. It was an interesting trip to say the least, being sick on the Clomid, timing sex in the hotel room next to my in-laws and trying to be up-beat at the wedding that we were attending and dealing with my father-in-laws erratic driving on the California highways.
We did this for a few months, and then moved on to Femara. Each time I produced several eggs, but never any big enough. The triggering injections, U/S’s, and blood work were awful to a person like me that almost threw up every time she saw a needle. At the time I trusted the doctor completely, didn’t do any of my own research and followed everything she said. We also did the HSG and found that I didn’t have any blockages.In February of 2005 the OB/GYN told us that she felt our only chance of success was to do IVF. She went on to say that it normally only works the 2nd time, and that IUI’s weren’t going to do it for us. My husband who had been doing research on his own asked about PCOS. The OB/GYN very quickly brushed us off, saying that she didn’t believe that to be the case for us, and didn’t even give us any chance to talk about it. We told her we would think about the IVF and let her know. I was 23 years old, and the prospect of that big of a voluntary medical procedure really scared me.
Both Mike and I talked a little about it, but it wasn’t something we were willing to spend the money on. It was around $10,000 a try, and 2 tries meant $20,000. We decided at that time that we would rather take the money and adopt. We both have cousins in our families that are adopted, and it was something that we had talked about early in our journey through infertility.
We set down the path of adoption in 2005, researching agencies, and types of adoptions. We decided on international adoption because we weren’t comfortable with an open adoption, and I wasn’t old enough to adopt locally given the international adoption age was 25. We chose Guatemala for a few reasons including that they would accept us because I was young, that they had private foster care for the children, and had babies as young as five months coming home. One of the parts of an international adoption is the huge amount of paperwork including a full physical. I hadn’t been to a regular doctor in quite a few years, so I switched to Mike’s doctor. He did a full workup including blood work, EKG, etc. After the results came back he called and talked to us, saying that he believed that I had PCOS, and prescribed glucophage, a cholesterol medicine and talked with us about losing some weight. Of course I was really upset at the OB/GYN, knowing that we asked and were dismissed. I never went back to her again.
We continued forward with our adoption, turning in all of our paperwork in February and in March received a referral for our son, then 5 months old. He came home to us in December 2006, 18 months after signing up with our agency. It was the best decision we ever made, and we couldn’t have been happier.
Two years later, we thought again about expanding our family, not wanting our then nearly 3 year old son to grow up being an only child.
I chose a different OB/GYN and went in for a consult, and annual exam. Coincidentally the new OB/GYN had just started a partnership with Dr. Jarrett, an RE in Indianapolis. No one in South Bend does infertility treatment beyond clomid type stuff because there isn’t a market for it. We met with Dr. Jarrett in Jan. 2008. He told me to lose 30 lbs., and come to see him in 3 months when that was done. We found that Dr. Jarrett had a strange bedside matter but he was at least willing to talk to us and help. After we told him about the history he was shocked that the previous OB/GYN dismissed the PCOS, and that she even attempted clomid.
I thought it was pretty much a lost cause, 30 lbs in 3 months. I knew it was going to be awful, but I stopped cold turkey on the carbs like he said and the weight flew off. In March I remember being extremely nervous to talk to him again because I had only lost 26 lbs. He was happy with that and we started again, on pills that I don’t even remember at this point. I again responded find with the number of eggs, but not the size. In the late summer or fall of that year we started on injectible drugs, which was a big deal given my deep hatred towards needles. I did better on the injectible drugs, but still never achieved a pregnancy.
On May 18, 2008, I lost my Dad to liver cancer and so Mike and I took some time off. I just knew I couldn’t go through with things at that point given the stress, etc.
In September 2008, I had laparoscopic surgery in to remove scar tissue from the first surgery I had, and to make sure there were no blockages, etc.
In December 2008, we drove to Indy, about 3 hours from us to talk to Dr. Jarret about our prospects and the probability of us actually achieving a pregnancy. He suggested also doing IVF. I said No right away, but Mike didn’t. He wanted to try it. Dr. Jarrett agreed to give us as much of the meds as he could, and to discount the surgeries as much as he could. I still said No. His advice to us was to think it over and call him when we had both come to the same decision. He also told us that he believed our chances to be over 65% on the first try, give that I was only 27 at the time. I knew that I couldn’t take much more disappointment, let alone the financial burden it was going to put on us. It wasn’t until March of 2009 that we called him back, agreeing to do the IVF. I’m not sure what changed my mind, knowing the amount of money we were going to spend and the amount of heartache that we could be facing. My mom agreed to help us financially with some of the money my Dad had left from insurance policies. She said it was exactly what he would have wanted the money going for, so she gladly helped us out. We refinanced, found another loan, and added to our already little mountain of debt to try IVF. Mike and I both agreed we would do it one time, and if things didn’t work out, we’d be done, and enjoy our life as a family of three.
We didn't agree to IVF until 2009, which is when I really started reading through IVF/Infertility blogs. I stumbled across this blog: She really became inspirational for me in many ways. Reading about her IVF success, and the subsequently about the birth of the boys, and following and getting advice for our twins, born on 12/18/09.
We began the process, had a retrieval in April, and the transfer on May 5, a Sunday. We had 7 eggs removed from one side, and because the other ovary just hangs out from not being connected, they couldn’t get to it to pull any from that side. Over the course of the 5 days that we waited, 5 fertilized, and only 2 made it to the proper size to be transferred. The transfer on May 5th, was a bit anticlimactic, and I had the gut feeling that things did not work on the way home. I was convinced that we were going to be a family of three and was working on making peace with that decision.
The day before our HCG check Mike left for a conference, so I decided to do a home pregnancy test, even though it was a bit early. It came up positive and I remember so carefully carrying it to our bedroom because I had done it without Mike knowing, in case it was negative because then I wouldn’t have to tell him. He was cautiously optimistic and we told no one.The next day was the HCG and also the one year anniversary of my Dad’s passing. Needless to say it was bittersweet when the lab called with our results, a positive HCG, with a reading of over 200. I thought it was a bit high, but no one else did. The repeat number showed over 500 so the numbers were more than doubling.
A 6 week ultrasound was scheduled and so we just waited some more. In June, we found out that I was carrying twins. Both eggs had taken and both embryos showed good heartbeats and were measuring ahead. I was scared out of my mind and so was Mike. I was convinced that something would happen that we would lose one or both of the twins.
Fortunately nothing went wrong until October when I was put on leave early because of high blood pressure and swelling. The girls decided to come early, on December 18, 2009.
It’s been an emotional roller coaster, lasting nearly 8 years, and even though I had success, and have three beautiful children now, I will always consider myself infertile and I know I will never forget the pain that comes along with it.
During the process I read through many blogs related to IVF/Infertility, but one that I really started paying a lot of attention to was: Soo See
I read with fascination throughout her pregnancy, later comparing it to mine, and now read through as a guide to what to expect out of our own twins!
Having a community of people to go to and ask questions, or just read through success or failure really helped get me through an extended leave, and now I still keep track, rooting for people who I have no idea who they are. It's become a way for me to connect to others that have issues like me, without having to shout from the rooftops, or wear a sign saying "I'm infertile!" Hopefully someday, we'll all be able to get past the idea that infertility means something is wrong with us, but for now, at least we all have one another to get through it!
The one thing I learned to prepare for next year is to start knitting the socks early. There was no way I could get the socks done for my buddy, so I had to buy some handmade ones instead.
My SITM buddy for 2010 is Ali She recently lost her dad, so go give her some support! (I can't tell you how excited I was to receive a package all the way from the UK)
I will post my sock pictures soon!
The SITM topic for Winter 2010 is to reflect on the ways that the blogging community provided support for us personally in regards to infertility in 2009.
Here's our long story:
In 2001, when I was 19 years old, on my way home from a wedding in Philadelphia I had severe abdominal pain on my right side. Thinking it was appendicitis our whole two car caravan stopped in Ohio somewhere about 5 hours from home at an emergency room. After many hours in the ER we found out that I had an ovarian cyst on my right ovary and they sent me on my way with pain meds and orders to see a gynecologist at home. I had never been to an OB/GYN before, so it was a scary ordeal. I remember vividly thinking that my then boyfriend would hightail it out of the relationship as soon as he dropped us off at home. As I found out later, my mom even talked to him about this and that no one would think any worse of him if he didn’t want to continue the relationship. Of course this is the last thing Mike would have done.
After I finished my spring semester of college, I had surgery, to remove the cyst. Before going under the OB/GYN told me that it was going to be laparoscopic, quick and easy. When I woke up I had searing pain across my whole abdomen. Come to find out the cyst, which was the size of a coke can had wrapped itself around my fallopian tube so doing a small surgery wasn’t possible. I walked out of the hospital with a nice c-section size scar, 1 less fallopian tube, and low risk malignancy spots. Even though I was only 20 at the time of the surgery I made sure I asked the OB/GYN if this would cause problems later on when I wanted to have children. The answer I received was absolutely not. Being so trusting of doctors like I always have been, I believed her. By this time Mike and I were engaged and planning a 2004 wedding.
That summer we talked a lot about having kids, and wedding things, etc. We had three years until we were going to get married, it would give me time to finish school, and get my student teaching done. Mike is 4 years older than me so he would be 26 when we got married, and I would be 22. It seemed like a sensible idea. The surgery really changed things, and we decided to move the wedding up a year, giving us a jump start on having children, and make it so I was a year younger when trying to have children. We got married in October 2003, in the midst of my student teaching.
We waited until summer of the next year if I remember correctly to try getting pregnant. Knowing that I only have one tube that it could take a little longer, but we had our spirits up. Naïve and unknowing we tried for a few months. Around September, 2 years after the surgery we went back to the OB/GYN (the same one) and started talking about ways to help us get pregnant. We started on clomid in December which coincided with my first ever airplane trip with my in-laws to California. It was an interesting trip to say the least, being sick on the Clomid, timing sex in the hotel room next to my in-laws and trying to be up-beat at the wedding that we were attending and dealing with my father-in-laws erratic driving on the California highways.
We did this for a few months, and then moved on to Femara. Each time I produced several eggs, but never any big enough. The triggering injections, U/S’s, and blood work were awful to a person like me that almost threw up every time she saw a needle. At the time I trusted the doctor completely, didn’t do any of my own research and followed everything she said. We also did the HSG and found that I didn’t have any blockages.In February of 2005 the OB/GYN told us that she felt our only chance of success was to do IVF. She went on to say that it normally only works the 2nd time, and that IUI’s weren’t going to do it for us. My husband who had been doing research on his own asked about PCOS. The OB/GYN very quickly brushed us off, saying that she didn’t believe that to be the case for us, and didn’t even give us any chance to talk about it. We told her we would think about the IVF and let her know. I was 23 years old, and the prospect of that big of a voluntary medical procedure really scared me.
Both Mike and I talked a little about it, but it wasn’t something we were willing to spend the money on. It was around $10,000 a try, and 2 tries meant $20,000. We decided at that time that we would rather take the money and adopt. We both have cousins in our families that are adopted, and it was something that we had talked about early in our journey through infertility.
We set down the path of adoption in 2005, researching agencies, and types of adoptions. We decided on international adoption because we weren’t comfortable with an open adoption, and I wasn’t old enough to adopt locally given the international adoption age was 25. We chose Guatemala for a few reasons including that they would accept us because I was young, that they had private foster care for the children, and had babies as young as five months coming home. One of the parts of an international adoption is the huge amount of paperwork including a full physical. I hadn’t been to a regular doctor in quite a few years, so I switched to Mike’s doctor. He did a full workup including blood work, EKG, etc. After the results came back he called and talked to us, saying that he believed that I had PCOS, and prescribed glucophage, a cholesterol medicine and talked with us about losing some weight. Of course I was really upset at the OB/GYN, knowing that we asked and were dismissed. I never went back to her again.
We continued forward with our adoption, turning in all of our paperwork in February and in March received a referral for our son, then 5 months old. He came home to us in December 2006, 18 months after signing up with our agency. It was the best decision we ever made, and we couldn’t have been happier.
Two years later, we thought again about expanding our family, not wanting our then nearly 3 year old son to grow up being an only child.
I chose a different OB/GYN and went in for a consult, and annual exam. Coincidentally the new OB/GYN had just started a partnership with Dr. Jarrett, an RE in Indianapolis. No one in South Bend does infertility treatment beyond clomid type stuff because there isn’t a market for it. We met with Dr. Jarrett in Jan. 2008. He told me to lose 30 lbs., and come to see him in 3 months when that was done. We found that Dr. Jarrett had a strange bedside matter but he was at least willing to talk to us and help. After we told him about the history he was shocked that the previous OB/GYN dismissed the PCOS, and that she even attempted clomid.
I thought it was pretty much a lost cause, 30 lbs in 3 months. I knew it was going to be awful, but I stopped cold turkey on the carbs like he said and the weight flew off. In March I remember being extremely nervous to talk to him again because I had only lost 26 lbs. He was happy with that and we started again, on pills that I don’t even remember at this point. I again responded find with the number of eggs, but not the size. In the late summer or fall of that year we started on injectible drugs, which was a big deal given my deep hatred towards needles. I did better on the injectible drugs, but still never achieved a pregnancy.
On May 18, 2008, I lost my Dad to liver cancer and so Mike and I took some time off. I just knew I couldn’t go through with things at that point given the stress, etc.
In September 2008, I had laparoscopic surgery in to remove scar tissue from the first surgery I had, and to make sure there were no blockages, etc.
In December 2008, we drove to Indy, about 3 hours from us to talk to Dr. Jarret about our prospects and the probability of us actually achieving a pregnancy. He suggested also doing IVF. I said No right away, but Mike didn’t. He wanted to try it. Dr. Jarrett agreed to give us as much of the meds as he could, and to discount the surgeries as much as he could. I still said No. His advice to us was to think it over and call him when we had both come to the same decision. He also told us that he believed our chances to be over 65% on the first try, give that I was only 27 at the time. I knew that I couldn’t take much more disappointment, let alone the financial burden it was going to put on us. It wasn’t until March of 2009 that we called him back, agreeing to do the IVF. I’m not sure what changed my mind, knowing the amount of money we were going to spend and the amount of heartache that we could be facing. My mom agreed to help us financially with some of the money my Dad had left from insurance policies. She said it was exactly what he would have wanted the money going for, so she gladly helped us out. We refinanced, found another loan, and added to our already little mountain of debt to try IVF. Mike and I both agreed we would do it one time, and if things didn’t work out, we’d be done, and enjoy our life as a family of three.
We didn't agree to IVF until 2009, which is when I really started reading through IVF/Infertility blogs. I stumbled across this blog: She really became inspirational for me in many ways. Reading about her IVF success, and the subsequently about the birth of the boys, and following and getting advice for our twins, born on 12/18/09.
We began the process, had a retrieval in April, and the transfer on May 5, a Sunday. We had 7 eggs removed from one side, and because the other ovary just hangs out from not being connected, they couldn’t get to it to pull any from that side. Over the course of the 5 days that we waited, 5 fertilized, and only 2 made it to the proper size to be transferred. The transfer on May 5th, was a bit anticlimactic, and I had the gut feeling that things did not work on the way home. I was convinced that we were going to be a family of three and was working on making peace with that decision.
The day before our HCG check Mike left for a conference, so I decided to do a home pregnancy test, even though it was a bit early. It came up positive and I remember so carefully carrying it to our bedroom because I had done it without Mike knowing, in case it was negative because then I wouldn’t have to tell him. He was cautiously optimistic and we told no one.The next day was the HCG and also the one year anniversary of my Dad’s passing. Needless to say it was bittersweet when the lab called with our results, a positive HCG, with a reading of over 200. I thought it was a bit high, but no one else did. The repeat number showed over 500 so the numbers were more than doubling.
A 6 week ultrasound was scheduled and so we just waited some more. In June, we found out that I was carrying twins. Both eggs had taken and both embryos showed good heartbeats and were measuring ahead. I was scared out of my mind and so was Mike. I was convinced that something would happen that we would lose one or both of the twins.
Fortunately nothing went wrong until October when I was put on leave early because of high blood pressure and swelling. The girls decided to come early, on December 18, 2009.
It’s been an emotional roller coaster, lasting nearly 8 years, and even though I had success, and have three beautiful children now, I will always consider myself infertile and I know I will never forget the pain that comes along with it.
During the process I read through many blogs related to IVF/Infertility, but one that I really started paying a lot of attention to was: Soo See
I read with fascination throughout her pregnancy, later comparing it to mine, and now read through as a guide to what to expect out of our own twins!
Having a community of people to go to and ask questions, or just read through success or failure really helped get me through an extended leave, and now I still keep track, rooting for people who I have no idea who they are. It's become a way for me to connect to others that have issues like me, without having to shout from the rooftops, or wear a sign saying "I'm infertile!" Hopefully someday, we'll all be able to get past the idea that infertility means something is wrong with us, but for now, at least we all have one another to get through it!
The one thing I learned to prepare for next year is to start knitting the socks early. There was no way I could get the socks done for my buddy, so I had to buy some handmade ones instead.
My SITM buddy for 2010 is Ali She recently lost her dad, so go give her some support! (I can't tell you how excited I was to receive a package all the way from the UK)
I will post my sock pictures soon!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Wow
So it's been awhile, and I have a lot of things rolling around in my head, but not enough time to actually get them out and post them.
One of the things that I've been thinking about is talking about being pregnant. In my office there are three of us that have recently had children, the other two ladies babies are approaching a year old. Of course this lends towards many conversations about babies and pregnancy.
For some reason I have a hard time saying the phrase "When I was pregnant..."
I don't know why, but I have some thoughts on why.
And of course, some gratuitous cuteness:
Every girl needs a good pair of "chucks"
One sleep deprived family somewhere around Christmas time.
One of the things that I've been thinking about is talking about being pregnant. In my office there are three of us that have recently had children, the other two ladies babies are approaching a year old. Of course this lends towards many conversations about babies and pregnancy.
For some reason I have a hard time saying the phrase "When I was pregnant..."
I don't know why, but I have some thoughts on why.
- It still feels surreal. I never thought I was going to be pregnant, let alone birth live children.
- Guilt. I feel extreme guilt for a couple of reasons:
- There are so many people out there that are still struggling to reach a pregnancy, let alone a live birth. People that are much older than I am, that have spent years, and thousands of dollars trying, and for us it worked on the first IVF cycle. Granted we spent a lot of time and money prior to that with other methods, but the fact that things worked on the first IVF cycle is amazing.
- My pregnancy was so easy, it's embarrassing. If some women knew how easy of a time I had, they'd shoot daggers at me out of their eyes, and breath fire on me.
- Time. Perhaps it just hasn't been long enough for me to put the pregnancy in perspective yet.
- Two. This goes along with the guilt, but we were lucky enough that we not only were able to get pregnant on the first IVF cycle, but that both of the eggs we had transplanted took, and survived through almost 34 weeks. Many women who have twin pregnancies deliver early and their babies spend so much time in the NICU and have problems, and we didn't encounter anything like that. The hardest thing we had to face was jaundice.
And of course, some gratuitous cuteness:
Every girl needs a good pair of "chucks"
One sleep deprived family somewhere around Christmas time.Monday, August 10, 2009
16 weeks
16 weeks. Wow, where has the time gone?
Get ready for a growth spurt. In the next few weeks, your baby will double his weight and add inches to his length. Right now, he's about the size of an avocado: 4 1/2 inches long (head to rump) and 3 1/2 ounces. His legs are much more developed, his head is more erect than it has been, and his eyes have moved closer to the front of his head. His ears are close to their final position, too. The patterning of his scalp has begun, though his locks aren't recognizable yet. He's even started growing toenails. And there's a lot happening inside as well. For example, his heart is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood each day, and this amount will continue to increase as your baby continues to develop.
Get ready for a growth spurt. In the next few weeks, your baby will double his weight and add inches to his length. Right now, he's about the size of an avocado: 4 1/2 inches long (head to rump) and 3 1/2 ounces. His legs are much more developed, his head is more erect than it has been, and his eyes have moved closer to the front of his head. His ears are close to their final position, too. The patterning of his scalp has begun, though his locks aren't recognizable yet. He's even started growing toenails. And there's a lot happening inside as well. For example, his heart is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood each day, and this amount will continue to increase as your baby continues to develop.
Can you make guacamole with 2 avocados? hehe. Coincidentally, as much as I enjoy their smooth texture, I am allergic to them.
I have some more updates that I'll get to, but I don't have time right now. I promise, they're coming though!
Monday, July 6, 2009
A month betwen posts
and so much to post about...
I went on the 18th, coincidentally, 1 year after my dad had passed away and had my first beta done. On the guidelines from the Dr's. office it said that if the number is over 50, the test would be repeated in 2 days, and if under 50 you could assume you were not pregnant. That phone call came in the afternoon on the 18th, with a beta number of 228, well over that magic 50 number. I had a repeat beta on Wednesday the 20th, and again according to the guidelines in order to celebrate we needed to see the number double, which meant we should see at least 456, ours was 526m which again was much more than needed.
I'll try to post some more of Che's stories, and things that he's made up, they're hilarious and definitely worth sharing!
As most of you are already aware, Mike and I have done a lot of fertility work. We agreed to do one IVF cycle, and if it didn't work, that was going to be the end. Famous last words!
On May 3rd we had 7 eggs retrieved and fertilized. There were 6 eggs fertilized and so on Wednesday, May 5th we had 2 put back. At that time we had decided to do a freezing of eggs, which means that everyone they took out was fertilized and then they got to pick the best 2 to put back in. We had intentions of freezing the rest for future use. If we had not consented to the freezing, they would have only fertilized 2 eggs, which means if they didn't work, we would have lost all the time and hope we put into the process.
Then we waited, and waited, and waited some more. It was the longest 13 days of my life. On May 17th, Mike left for NABS in Michigan, which wasn't far, but far enough away that he wasn't going to be able to be home for the next day's results of the first beta test. I took a home pregnancy test on the 17th, and it declared "Pregnant" in its digital read out much quicker than the 3 minutes the box said. I ran into the bedroom, and handed it to Mike who said "What does that mean."
I went on the 18th, coincidentally, 1 year after my dad had passed away and had my first beta done. On the guidelines from the Dr's. office it said that if the number is over 50, the test would be repeated in 2 days, and if under 50 you could assume you were not pregnant. That phone call came in the afternoon on the 18th, with a beta number of 228, well over that magic 50 number. I had a repeat beta on Wednesday the 20th, and again according to the guidelines in order to celebrate we needed to see the number double, which meant we should see at least 456, ours was 526m which again was much more than needed.
We were officially pregnant at that time! Something we had waited so long for, and it seemed so surreal
I started to question the high numbers at that time, but our Dr.'s office wouldn't confirm anything, and Dr. Google wasn't very helpful either. So we had to wait again. On June 6th we went in for an ultrasound to confirm and the tech said, "There's your baby, and there's another one..."
I think Mike almost fainted, I had prepared myself that this was a possibility, he had convinced himself that it was not. The tech measured, both were measuring at the right sizes, one was measuring 6 weeks 5 days (right on), and the other was 6 weeks 4 days. the heart rates were right on where they needed to be as well.
The dr.'s office then led us to another room where we were left alone for quite some time to digest the news. I don't think they could have left us there long enough!
We had another ultrasound 2 weeks later, and the tech was not good at hiding her concern over the fact that Baby "B" was a lot smaller than Baby "A" It was very concerning, and we thought something was wrong. The comforting thing though was that the heart rates were very healthy. We were asked to wait at the doctor's office to talk to someone, but I had a mtg, and couldn't wait. The rescheduled us for a week later to re-measure and make sure everything was alright. A week later Baby "B" had turned and was measuring right on track, as was Baby "A" which meant, no problems. It was comforting to know and set my mind at ease.
I had another annual type appt. today, and since the doctor cannot use a doppler to hear the heartbeats got to have another ultrasound to measure heartbeats. This was my first ultrasound that was done on the outside, not in, and it was very cool. I got to see both babies, very briefly, and see that their hearts are pumping well, one at 171 and the other at 173. Baby "A" was chillin out, cool as a cucumber, and Baby "B" was rockin' it out in there, all limbs going at once. Both babies were head up today, which last time one was head up and the other head down.
At this time we are 11 weeks pregnant, with a due date still set for January 24th, although with twins the normal gestation is less than 40 weeks so I'm assuming it will be at least 4 weeks early, which leaves us at the end of Dec. or early Jan.
I have to say that overall I've felt great. I've not had any morning sickness and the only complaints I have are that my left leg keeps falling asleep and I'm really tired. O try not to bring it up a lot because I don't like the glares from other pregnant women, or the smiting from someone making it suddenly appear!
I feel that you can tell that I'm pregnant at this point, however I doubt that you can, it's just my perception. I'm to the point where a lot of my pants are tighter, so I bought these, which have been really helpful. They come in two different sizes and right now what they are allowing me to do is eat comfortably and move well.
I've tried really hard not to read a lot of pregnancy books because I don't want to make my mind lead me into thinking things are happening when they aren't. If I have questions, I call the doctor. I've been feeling some round ligament pain at times, which is very interesting, and I know shocking to Mike when I just stood hunched over in the kitchen one day for about 3 minutes.
Mike is really excited now, and we're both getting used to the idea that our family is almost doubling. Ché believes that the babies are his, and that Santa is going to put them in my belly button at Christmas time. He is very excited about having siblings, and insists that he is going to be a big sister.
The one site that I do check regularly is one that compares fetal size with fruit. This is week 11:
A fig. last week it was a kumquat. This for me puts the babies into perspective into something that I can hold, and make tangible.
So, that's our big news. What have you been up to?
I'll try to post some more of Che's stories, and things that he's made up, they're hilarious and definitely worth sharing!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Pictures (with more info now!)
Take a look, take a guess...
This is what we've been up to. Know what it is?
Yes, there are two. It doesn't mean that either or both will stay. We'll find out at a later date and be sharing. Unfortunately this is even harder than the shots, and multiple trips to Indy, the uncomfortable procedures, and the 5 people looking at my bits and pieces on Wednesday...
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Thought
Infertility is something that a lot of people don't understand. The concept isn't hard to understand, and a bit of basic science knowledge can help people understand the reasons behind, but I think it's the emotional side that people generally have a lack of knowledge about.
I believe that alot of people think that those of us (women) that suffer through infertility are jealous of pregnant women. It's true, at least for me. I feel a pang of jealousness, (then guilt) every time a loved one, or friend announces a pregnancy. It's compounded when I get the baby shower invites, or the updates to the pregnancy blog. (ack!)
But, honestly it's not the pregnancy that I'm jealous of. It's taken a lot of time for me to process this, and I'm finally able to pinpoint it. I'm not envious that people can get pregnant, but that they can have a baby. That's the end result of a pregnancy, and that's ultimately the reason for embarking on that journey. To have a baby.
Most people, I believe, don't get pregnant because they want to be pregnant. I believe they do so to have a family, to have a baby, a child.
So, it's 10 times harder for me to be around newborns, and babies, than it is pregnant women. Showers compound it because everyone is celebrating the impending birth of a new baby.
I think what says it best though, better than I can is this letter from Resolve, a national organization on infertility: (it's long! you've been warned!)
"I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don't understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.You may describe me this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren't very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe myself this way: confused, rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I've spent years avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can't conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try harder, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I'd been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my partner not to be out of town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I'm frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I'm never a parent? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can't my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I'm afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible my pain is. Even though I'm usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I'm losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I'll survive this.My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby? Will my partner want to remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self-confidence and to feel ashamed.My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I'm angry at my body because it has betrayed me even though I've always taken care of it. I'm angry at my partner because we can't seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me. I'm angry at my family because they've always sheltered and protected me from terrible pain. My younger sibling is pregnant; my mother wants a family reunion to show off her grandchildren and my grandparents want to pass down family heirlooms.I'm angry at my medical caregivers, because it seems that they control my future. They humiliate me, inflict pain on me, pry into my privacy, patronize me, and sometimes forget who I am. How can I impress on them how important parenting is to me? I'm angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn't cooperative, and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can't miss any more work, or I'll lose my job. I can't go to a specialist, because it means more travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I'm angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.My infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I've lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I've never cried so much nor so easily. I'm sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I'm sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered. I'm sad that I've ignored many friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I'm surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kids' movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless.My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and my long-term future seems impossible. I can't decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursuing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and houseguests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursue more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I'm learning some helpful ways to cope; I'm now convinced I'm not crazy, and I believe I'll survive. I'm learning to listen to my body and to be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I'm realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I'm trying to be more than an infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life.You can help me. I know you care about me and I know my infertility affects our relationship. My sadness causes you sadness; what hurts me, hurts you, too. I believe we can help each other through this sadness. Individually we both seem quite powerless, but together we can be stronger. Maybe some of these hints will help us to better understand infertility.I need you to be a listener. Infertile couples have a lot on their minds and need someone to talk to. Sometimes a good ear helps people get things off their chests. A good listener can help people express their anxiety, anger, and guilt; or help people work out solutions to problems. Without offering any suggestions, your attentiveness and interest may provide the comfort and reassurance I need most. Talking about my struggle helps me to make decisions. Let me know if you are available for me. Repeatedly remind me that you love me no matter what. I need to hear it so badly. Let me know you understand that this is very hard work. Help me realize that I may need additional support from professional caregivers and appropriate organizations. Perhaps you can suggest resources. You might also need support for yourself, and I fear I'm unable to provide it for you; please don't expect me to do so. Help me to keep sight of my goal.Let me know when you don’t know what to say. I need you to be comfortable with me, and then I also will feel more comfortable. Talking about infertility sometimes feels awkward. Are you worried you might say the wrong thing? Share those feelings with me. Ask me if I want to talk. Sometimes I will want to, and sometimes I won't, but it will remind me that you care.I need you to be sensitive. Although I may joke about infertility to help myself cope, it doesn't seem as funny when others joke about it. Please don't tease me with remarks like, "You don't seem to know how to do it." Don't trivialize my struggle by saying, "I'd be glad to give you one of my kids." It's no comfort to hear empty reassurances like, "You'll be a parent by this time next year." Don't minimize my feelings with, "You shouldn't be so unhappy." For now, don't push me into uncomfortable situations like baby showers or family reunions. I already feel sad and guilty; please don't also make me feel guilty for disappointing you.I need you to be honest with me. Let me know that you may need time to adjust to some of my decisions. I also needed adjustment time. If there are things you don't understand, say so. Please be gentle when you guide me to be realistic about things I can't change such as my age, some medical conditions, financial resources, and employment obligations. Don't hide information about others' pregnancies from me. Although such news makes me feel very sad, it feels worse when you leave me out.I need you to be informed. Your advice and suggestions are only frustrating to me if they aren't based on fact. Be well informed so you can educate others when they make remarks based on myths. Don't let anyone tell you that my infertility will be cured if I relax and adopt. Don't tell me this is God's will. Don't ask me to justify my need to parent. Don't criticize my course of action or my choice of physician even though I may do that myself. Reassure yourself that I am also searching for plenty of information which helps me make more knowledgeable decisions about my options.I need you to be patient. Remember that working through infertility is a process. It takes time. There are no guarantees, no package deals, no complete kits, no one right answer, and no "quickie" choices. My needs change; my choices change. Yesterday I demanded privacy, but today I need you for strength. You have many feelings about infertility, and I do too. Please allow me to have anger, joy, sadness, and hope. Don't minimize or evaluate my feelings. Just allow me to have them, and give me time.I need you to be strengthening by boosting my self esteem. My sense of worthlessness hampers my ability to take charge. My personal privacy has repeatedly been invaded. Enjoyable experiences with you such as a lunch date, a shopping trip, or a visit to a museum help me feel normal. Encourage me to maintain my sense of humor; guide me to find joys. Celebrate with me my successes, even ones as small as making it through a medical appointment without crying. Remind me that I am more than an infertile person. Help me by sharing your strength.Eventually I will be beyond the struggle of infertility. I know my infertility will never completely go away, because it will change my life. I won't be able to return to the person I was before infertility, but I also will no longer be controlled by this struggle. I will leave the struggle behind me, and from that I will have improved my skills for empathy, patience, resilience, forgiveness, decision-making and self-assessment. I feel grateful that you are trying to ease my journey through this infertility struggle by giving me your understanding."
It helps to have Mike, someone that understands to the best of his ability what's going on. So for that I'm grateful.
I believe that alot of people think that those of us (women) that suffer through infertility are jealous of pregnant women. It's true, at least for me. I feel a pang of jealousness, (then guilt) every time a loved one, or friend announces a pregnancy. It's compounded when I get the baby shower invites, or the updates to the pregnancy blog. (ack!)
But, honestly it's not the pregnancy that I'm jealous of. It's taken a lot of time for me to process this, and I'm finally able to pinpoint it. I'm not envious that people can get pregnant, but that they can have a baby. That's the end result of a pregnancy, and that's ultimately the reason for embarking on that journey. To have a baby.
Most people, I believe, don't get pregnant because they want to be pregnant. I believe they do so to have a family, to have a baby, a child.
So, it's 10 times harder for me to be around newborns, and babies, than it is pregnant women. Showers compound it because everyone is celebrating the impending birth of a new baby.
I think what says it best though, better than I can is this letter from Resolve, a national organization on infertility: (it's long! you've been warned!)
"I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don't understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.You may describe me this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren't very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe myself this way: confused, rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I've spent years avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can't conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try harder, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I'd been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my partner not to be out of town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I'm frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I'm never a parent? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can't my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I'm afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible my pain is. Even though I'm usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I'm losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I'll survive this.My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby? Will my partner want to remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self-confidence and to feel ashamed.My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I'm angry at my body because it has betrayed me even though I've always taken care of it. I'm angry at my partner because we can't seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me. I'm angry at my family because they've always sheltered and protected me from terrible pain. My younger sibling is pregnant; my mother wants a family reunion to show off her grandchildren and my grandparents want to pass down family heirlooms.I'm angry at my medical caregivers, because it seems that they control my future. They humiliate me, inflict pain on me, pry into my privacy, patronize me, and sometimes forget who I am. How can I impress on them how important parenting is to me? I'm angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn't cooperative, and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can't miss any more work, or I'll lose my job. I can't go to a specialist, because it means more travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I'm angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.My infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I've lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I've never cried so much nor so easily. I'm sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I'm sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered. I'm sad that I've ignored many friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I'm surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kids' movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless.My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and my long-term future seems impossible. I can't decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursuing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and houseguests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursue more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I'm learning some helpful ways to cope; I'm now convinced I'm not crazy, and I believe I'll survive. I'm learning to listen to my body and to be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I'm realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I'm trying to be more than an infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life.You can help me. I know you care about me and I know my infertility affects our relationship. My sadness causes you sadness; what hurts me, hurts you, too. I believe we can help each other through this sadness. Individually we both seem quite powerless, but together we can be stronger. Maybe some of these hints will help us to better understand infertility.I need you to be a listener. Infertile couples have a lot on their minds and need someone to talk to. Sometimes a good ear helps people get things off their chests. A good listener can help people express their anxiety, anger, and guilt; or help people work out solutions to problems. Without offering any suggestions, your attentiveness and interest may provide the comfort and reassurance I need most. Talking about my struggle helps me to make decisions. Let me know if you are available for me. Repeatedly remind me that you love me no matter what. I need to hear it so badly. Let me know you understand that this is very hard work. Help me realize that I may need additional support from professional caregivers and appropriate organizations. Perhaps you can suggest resources. You might also need support for yourself, and I fear I'm unable to provide it for you; please don't expect me to do so. Help me to keep sight of my goal.Let me know when you don’t know what to say. I need you to be comfortable with me, and then I also will feel more comfortable. Talking about infertility sometimes feels awkward. Are you worried you might say the wrong thing? Share those feelings with me. Ask me if I want to talk. Sometimes I will want to, and sometimes I won't, but it will remind me that you care.I need you to be sensitive. Although I may joke about infertility to help myself cope, it doesn't seem as funny when others joke about it. Please don't tease me with remarks like, "You don't seem to know how to do it." Don't trivialize my struggle by saying, "I'd be glad to give you one of my kids." It's no comfort to hear empty reassurances like, "You'll be a parent by this time next year." Don't minimize my feelings with, "You shouldn't be so unhappy." For now, don't push me into uncomfortable situations like baby showers or family reunions. I already feel sad and guilty; please don't also make me feel guilty for disappointing you.I need you to be honest with me. Let me know that you may need time to adjust to some of my decisions. I also needed adjustment time. If there are things you don't understand, say so. Please be gentle when you guide me to be realistic about things I can't change such as my age, some medical conditions, financial resources, and employment obligations. Don't hide information about others' pregnancies from me. Although such news makes me feel very sad, it feels worse when you leave me out.I need you to be informed. Your advice and suggestions are only frustrating to me if they aren't based on fact. Be well informed so you can educate others when they make remarks based on myths. Don't let anyone tell you that my infertility will be cured if I relax and adopt. Don't tell me this is God's will. Don't ask me to justify my need to parent. Don't criticize my course of action or my choice of physician even though I may do that myself. Reassure yourself that I am also searching for plenty of information which helps me make more knowledgeable decisions about my options.I need you to be patient. Remember that working through infertility is a process. It takes time. There are no guarantees, no package deals, no complete kits, no one right answer, and no "quickie" choices. My needs change; my choices change. Yesterday I demanded privacy, but today I need you for strength. You have many feelings about infertility, and I do too. Please allow me to have anger, joy, sadness, and hope. Don't minimize or evaluate my feelings. Just allow me to have them, and give me time.I need you to be strengthening by boosting my self esteem. My sense of worthlessness hampers my ability to take charge. My personal privacy has repeatedly been invaded. Enjoyable experiences with you such as a lunch date, a shopping trip, or a visit to a museum help me feel normal. Encourage me to maintain my sense of humor; guide me to find joys. Celebrate with me my successes, even ones as small as making it through a medical appointment without crying. Remind me that I am more than an infertile person. Help me by sharing your strength.Eventually I will be beyond the struggle of infertility. I know my infertility will never completely go away, because it will change my life. I won't be able to return to the person I was before infertility, but I also will no longer be controlled by this struggle. I will leave the struggle behind me, and from that I will have improved my skills for empathy, patience, resilience, forgiveness, decision-making and self-assessment. I feel grateful that you are trying to ease my journey through this infertility struggle by giving me your understanding."
It helps to have Mike, someone that understands to the best of his ability what's going on. So for that I'm grateful.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
An update! (Now with pictures!)
We did say "cheese." Thanks for the suggestion Liz!
In fact we even did a "Toddler cheese" family picture. It was great. I'll have to post when I get a chance as we bought the rights to the pictures. Ché was very malleable. He let the photographer put him any way she wanted and just stayed there until she snapped the picture. It was almost like he was a mannequin. She kept saying that he was "awesome" and "handsome."
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We're on our round of shots. We started them on Sunday and they hurt! I did some reading and it's actually the medicine that stings, not the needle, so there isn't much we can do to help that. I go in tomorrow for an ultrasound and blood work to see what's going on in there.
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I've been knitting like a fool lately. I think it's the cool weather. I have recently finished two projects that I'm really happy about. One is a pair of socks for Mike. I used a self pattern yarn in blue, green and brown tones that reminded me of a stream. They are really stretchy, and I'm told that he likes them. (I always worry that I'm going to get one smaller than the other...)
I also finished a hat for Ché. It's a simple ear flap hat in a subtle multi green color. However, since we don't make things simple in our house it has bright orange dinosaur spikes on the top! It's the hat he picked out and was really excited to see it being made. He proudly wore it this morning after seeing it completed for the first time.
I also opened an etsy shop. I don't have anything posted yet, because I haven't taken the time to photograph anything that's lying around, but I'm thinking of offering the dino hat as a custom order. It only took me about 7-9 days to finish completely since it was knit on big needles.
Visit my Etsy Shop if you care! I don't have a lot but if you have something specific in mind, please let me know and we can see what we can work out!
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Very ready for this election to be done. I can't fathom how someone can still be undecided. What more information do you need? What more can they say about one another that's going to sway you?
To tide me over, I've visited this site that Mike pointed me too. Take a look. It's silly.
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In fact we even did a "Toddler cheese" family picture. It was great. I'll have to post when I get a chance as we bought the rights to the pictures. Ché was very malleable. He let the photographer put him any way she wanted and just stayed there until she snapped the picture. It was almost like he was a mannequin. She kept saying that he was "awesome" and "handsome."
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We're on our round of shots. We started them on Sunday and they hurt! I did some reading and it's actually the medicine that stings, not the needle, so there isn't much we can do to help that. I go in tomorrow for an ultrasound and blood work to see what's going on in there.
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On Sunday, Ché wanted to play outside for awhile. So I sat out and watched him scoot around on the driveway in the lines a couple neighbor hood kids made with chalk. I decided since it was a gorgeous day and that I would spend the time painting my toenails. I do not do this often, but I like to do it. It was a Sunday and the Bears were on, so I now have blue and orange toenails. I know this doesn't make an interesting blog post, but there's more. When Ché saw what I was doing he was immediately interested and insisted on having his toenails painted too. How could I refuse? I tried to explain that it was something that girls do, but he insisted that he too needed Bears toes. So he now has one blue foot and one orange foot full of painted nails. Of course I took pictures!
I've been knitting like a fool lately. I think it's the cool weather. I have recently finished two projects that I'm really happy about. One is a pair of socks for Mike. I used a self pattern yarn in blue, green and brown tones that reminded me of a stream. They are really stretchy, and I'm told that he likes them. (I always worry that I'm going to get one smaller than the other...)
I also finished a hat for Ché. It's a simple ear flap hat in a subtle multi green color. However, since we don't make things simple in our house it has bright orange dinosaur spikes on the top! It's the hat he picked out and was really excited to see it being made. He proudly wore it this morning after seeing it completed for the first time.
I also opened an etsy shop. I don't have anything posted yet, because I haven't taken the time to photograph anything that's lying around, but I'm thinking of offering the dino hat as a custom order. It only took me about 7-9 days to finish completely since it was knit on big needles.
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Very ready for this election to be done. I can't fathom how someone can still be undecided. What more information do you need? What more can they say about one another that's going to sway you?
To tide me over, I've visited this site that Mike pointed me too. Take a look. It's silly.
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Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Wash, Rinse, Repeat!
It's time again for the fun of injections and hormone drugs! I'm glad that I called, cause I have to take pills today...
It's gonna be an interesting week to say the least!
On another note, I interviewed for a job today. I don't need a new job, but there is certainly room for improvement in where I work now. I could really use more of a challenge. Of course I got the stock answer "I have more people to interview, and I'll be in touch," so I just have to wait and see. I've never felt so confident going into an interview though, since I don't "need" the job. Such a different experience!
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Stuck
Ever get to a place where you want to make a decision, but can't due to some outside limiting factor.
That's where I (we) are.
If you didn't realize from the last post, this cycle didn't work. We did bravelle shots, and HcG shot, timed intercourse, and HcG booster, bloodwork, ultrasounds, etc. and came up short.
This is only the 2nd cycle that we've done this time around. The 1st cycle was cancelled due to poor egg production (weren't big enough)
This time there was one egg ready on my left, and one on the right, only the right doesn't count. You see my fallopian tube and a cyst had a battle, and my body lost out.
Regardless, the problem is that when I called Dr. Jarrett's office to inform them of the negative HPT test, the nurse said something to the effect of, "Now, Dr. Jarrett wouldn't like me telling you this, but with only one side connected you should consider IVF. I have two kids by IVF thanks to Dr. Jarrett, and I really think that's what you should consider."
Then she proceeded to say that usually at this point patients take a month break, (during which you can try on your own), and then go back to treatment. She then asked if that's what we wanted to do, or if we wanted to talk to the Dr. ourselves... hmm, let me think really hard about that one...
So we have an appointment on the 18th to talk to Dr. Jarrett again.
I have to say, I'm not optimistic. Having your spouse give you repeated injections, doing bloodwork every other day, and taking pills, etc., just isn't what I call a great time, especially if doing all that doesn't prove an outcome.
When we tried the very first time, back in 2004/2005, we came to this point where we were being pushed to do IUI's, (turkey baster), and we stopped. We decided it wasn't worth it anymore, and that since what we really wanted was a family, there were different ways to go about that. We got the most wonderful start to a family that way. But we don't want to raise Ché as an only child. It seems so lonely. We started trying again on our own, instead of going straight to adoption because of the cost. Technically, even without insurance coverage doing some of these less invasive treatments is cheaper. Costing about $800-$1000 a month instead of $30,000 for an adoption. The problem is, it isn't getting us anywhere.
We did have the fortunate luck to have Dr. Jarrett write things in such a way that our insurance decided to cover some of the meds, but no matter what he's not going to be able to get a big Catholic University to cover IUI's or IVF's. It's just not a possibility. An IUI runs around $6000-8000 and IVF of course is more. The first time around we were told that IVF doesn't usually work the first time around, so you should always plan to pay for two cycles.
So now here we are, stuck at a point where a decision has to be made. A tough one, that has the limiting factor of finances. We can't afford further infertility treatment, and we can't afford another adoption. So our really only true option, is to raise Ché as an only child. (We know, foster care, but there are issues there that I just don't feel like going into...)
It's a lonely world, that very few people seem to understand.
That's where I (we) are.
If you didn't realize from the last post, this cycle didn't work. We did bravelle shots, and HcG shot, timed intercourse, and HcG booster, bloodwork, ultrasounds, etc. and came up short.
This is only the 2nd cycle that we've done this time around. The 1st cycle was cancelled due to poor egg production (weren't big enough)
This time there was one egg ready on my left, and one on the right, only the right doesn't count. You see my fallopian tube and a cyst had a battle, and my body lost out.
Regardless, the problem is that when I called Dr. Jarrett's office to inform them of the negative HPT test, the nurse said something to the effect of, "Now, Dr. Jarrett wouldn't like me telling you this, but with only one side connected you should consider IVF. I have two kids by IVF thanks to Dr. Jarrett, and I really think that's what you should consider."
Then she proceeded to say that usually at this point patients take a month break, (during which you can try on your own), and then go back to treatment. She then asked if that's what we wanted to do, or if we wanted to talk to the Dr. ourselves... hmm, let me think really hard about that one...
So we have an appointment on the 18th to talk to Dr. Jarrett again.
I have to say, I'm not optimistic. Having your spouse give you repeated injections, doing bloodwork every other day, and taking pills, etc., just isn't what I call a great time, especially if doing all that doesn't prove an outcome.
When we tried the very first time, back in 2004/2005, we came to this point where we were being pushed to do IUI's, (turkey baster), and we stopped. We decided it wasn't worth it anymore, and that since what we really wanted was a family, there were different ways to go about that. We got the most wonderful start to a family that way. But we don't want to raise Ché as an only child. It seems so lonely. We started trying again on our own, instead of going straight to adoption because of the cost. Technically, even without insurance coverage doing some of these less invasive treatments is cheaper. Costing about $800-$1000 a month instead of $30,000 for an adoption. The problem is, it isn't getting us anywhere.
We did have the fortunate luck to have Dr. Jarrett write things in such a way that our insurance decided to cover some of the meds, but no matter what he's not going to be able to get a big Catholic University to cover IUI's or IVF's. It's just not a possibility. An IUI runs around $6000-8000 and IVF of course is more. The first time around we were told that IVF doesn't usually work the first time around, so you should always plan to pay for two cycles.
So now here we are, stuck at a point where a decision has to be made. A tough one, that has the limiting factor of finances. We can't afford further infertility treatment, and we can't afford another adoption. So our really only true option, is to raise Ché as an only child. (We know, foster care, but there are issues there that I just don't feel like going into...)
It's a lonely world, that very few people seem to understand.
Monday, June 16, 2008
And now
We wait.
I think that this has to be the worst part. There's no control, and yet you question every feeling, every twitch, everything.
And on to other things:
Father's Day:
It was very difficult. At church the choir director chose a song that was played at Dad's funeral. I started crying, Mom was crying, and Ché was wondering what the heck was going on. The director came downstairs after mass, and apologized for not warning us, but that she chose it because she thinks of Dad everytime she hears the song now. (I'm at work and can't find an actual clip of it).
Mom left then, and said she was going to spend time with Dad. I left her alone most of the day. On the way home from church we got a bagel and a vitamin water for Daddy and took him breakfast. (Sorry, no breakfast in bed for you Daddy!)
We spent some time at the grocery store, and had hamburgers on our new grill for dinner. We bought the grill on Saturday, after building a tool box with Ché. Instead of a patch, they gave us a $10 off coupon, and since we had a $10 credit on our bill, and so we decided to retire our old grill. (It's been with us for 6 years, and prior to that with my grandma for at least 4)
It was fairly uneventful. We didn't really get Daddy anything good either gift wise, so pretty blah Father's Day.
Here are some pictures taken a few weeks ago. Ché got a new tricycle. He couldn't quite reach the pedals, so we had to modify and move the seat up. He knows how to pedal it, but he's more content to just ride the scoot-y car for now.
The modifying underway. Moving the seat forward farther than it's supposed to be to account for teeny legs.
Ready, Set, Go!
Saturday, June 14, 2008
2 thoughts; 2 subjects
Dang that HcG shot hurt!
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It's hard to be interested after your spouse administers the painful HcG shot.
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I have to say out of all of the shots, it was the worst. It actually made my stomach pouch out, where the shot was given. Mike said the needle didn't want to go in. It also stung a lot more than the others, and left a puncture mark.
But it's done. I go next Thursday for an HcG check, and possibly a booster. I will also have bloodwork done on Thursday.
After this weekend, it's just a wait and see time.
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3 upcoming things:
1.) We're getting ready to go to Lowe's to build a tape measure. Ché is very excited, because he can have a tape measure like Nana! Hopefully get to post pictures later.
2.) We're going to the zoo next Saturday with other adoptive families in our area. Yay!
3.) Next Friday, we're coming up to Chicago (BEAVERS!) to go to the Science and Industry Museum since it's free. It's only $9 a person to ride the train and Ché is free, so we're making a day of it with Nana.
***************************************************************************************
It's hard to be interested after your spouse administers the painful HcG shot.
***************************************************************************************
I have to say out of all of the shots, it was the worst. It actually made my stomach pouch out, where the shot was given. Mike said the needle didn't want to go in. It also stung a lot more than the others, and left a puncture mark.
But it's done. I go next Thursday for an HcG check, and possibly a booster. I will also have bloodwork done on Thursday.
After this weekend, it's just a wait and see time.
*************************************************************************************
3 upcoming things:
1.) We're getting ready to go to Lowe's to build a tape measure. Ché is very excited, because he can have a tape measure like Nana! Hopefully get to post pictures later.
2.) We're going to the zoo next Saturday with other adoptive families in our area. Yay!
3.) Next Friday, we're coming up to Chicago (BEAVERS!) to go to the Science and Industry Museum since it's free. It's only $9 a person to ride the train and Ché is free, so we're making a day of it with Nana.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
It's going to be a busy weekend...
We got the go ahead from Dr. Jarrett.
We do a trigger on Friday, then a "busy" weekend...
I will have an HcG check next Thursday, and a possible HcG booster.
Things apparently looked good enough to go.
On another note...
Father's Day is Sunday. It's going to be a hard one. Any suggestions on how to make it easier for my Mom.
She had looked through old things, and pulled out cards we had bought for Dad, and made for Dad in years past. It's going to be rough.
We do a trigger on Friday, then a "busy" weekend...
I will have an HcG check next Thursday, and a possible HcG booster.
Things apparently looked good enough to go.
On another note...
Father's Day is Sunday. It's going to be a hard one. Any suggestions on how to make it easier for my Mom.
She had looked through old things, and pulled out cards we had bought for Dad, and made for Dad in years past. It's going to be rough.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Ask and ye shall receive
After complaining in my last post about how Mike's work was going to cover part but not all of the drugs, I get a phone call with good news.
They're going back to April 1, which means everything is covered. We'll be getting money back to help pay for all of the drugs. Wow.
On another note, I haven't written about it this time, just keeping it in, but here's the new report:
Letrozole is done, hot flashes included. (I hope), the shots have been going well. Mike is getting pretty good at it, and I had an ultrasound this morning. There are about 4 eggs to be seen, but only 1 is the right size.
But you know, it only takes one. And in our minds, 1 is better than 4.
The only thing that went south was the blood draw. Normally I don't have a problem with this. Not to say that I like it, but at least I can do them now without going crazy. the phlebotomist today couldn't find my vein. (I normally have very good veins). She found it in my left arm, poked and nothing. She jiggled the needle, poked deeper, and nothing. I felt like I was going to vomit and faint. (read: lightheaded, iron taste in mouth, hot...) She finally gave up and went to the other arm with a smaller needle. It worked, thank goodness, because I don't know that I could have done another poke.
I truly think though that the only thing that kept me from puking, was the mint gum I had popped in prior to my appointment. I just hope that this doesn't happen again.
They're going back to April 1, which means everything is covered. We'll be getting money back to help pay for all of the drugs. Wow.
On another note, I haven't written about it this time, just keeping it in, but here's the new report:
Letrozole is done, hot flashes included. (I hope), the shots have been going well. Mike is getting pretty good at it, and I had an ultrasound this morning. There are about 4 eggs to be seen, but only 1 is the right size.
But you know, it only takes one. And in our minds, 1 is better than 4.
The only thing that went south was the blood draw. Normally I don't have a problem with this. Not to say that I like it, but at least I can do them now without going crazy. the phlebotomist today couldn't find my vein. (I normally have very good veins). She found it in my left arm, poked and nothing. She jiggled the needle, poked deeper, and nothing. I felt like I was going to vomit and faint. (read: lightheaded, iron taste in mouth, hot...) She finally gave up and went to the other arm with a smaller needle. It worked, thank goodness, because I don't know that I could have done another poke.
I truly think though that the only thing that kept me from puking, was the mint gum I had popped in prior to my appointment. I just hope that this doesn't happen again.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Good but Frustrating
Dr. Jarrett wrote a letter to Mike's employer explaining the need for the current drugs, and that we were using them for purposes of getting my straightened out, as well as the hope of acheiving a pregnancy.
The Good News? They decided to cover it. It's unprecedented really. A large Catholic institution covering fertility meds.
The frustrating part? The letter is dated April 29, 2008. This means that they are going to cover from May 1, 2008 and on. We picked up the first doses of the medicine on April 23rd.
Sigh.
The Good News? They decided to cover it. It's unprecedented really. A large Catholic institution covering fertility meds.
The frustrating part? The letter is dated April 29, 2008. This means that they are going to cover from May 1, 2008 and on. We picked up the first doses of the medicine on April 23rd.
Sigh.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Here we go again:
Here's our new instructions:
It's pretty much the same as last time. The difference is the dosage of Bravelle. It's double the dose as last time, which increases the multiples risk. We'll see what happens now. I have an ultrasound tomorrow to determine whether I have too many cysts to continue, and then another on June 9th to see the progress if we go ahead with the cycle.
It's pretty much the same as last time. The difference is the dosage of Bravelle. It's double the dose as last time, which increases the multiples risk. We'll see what happens now. I have an ultrasound tomorrow to determine whether I have too many cysts to continue, and then another on June 9th to see the progress if we go ahead with the cycle.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Pool!
Today was our first venture to the pool for the summer.
Mike's parents lovingly buy us a pool membership to their community pool. We lovingly enjoy!
The pool has a baby pool, and the big kid pool, complete with slide and diving board. It's really family friendly and Ché loves being in the pool.
It took about 1 1/2 minutes for him to remember that he really loved the pool last year and then there was no stopping him. We had backfloating, bubble blowing and face dipping as well as sitting and kneeling on the bottom. When we got out his floaty thing he was off in the big pool on his own.
Of course the hard part was when we needed to leave to come home to eat. A shivering baby that screams just isn't a pretty picture.
On another note, we start again tomorrow. Letrozole, the bravelle, then who knows. I'll post the schedule later.
Mike's parents lovingly buy us a pool membership to their community pool. We lovingly enjoy!
The pool has a baby pool, and the big kid pool, complete with slide and diving board. It's really family friendly and Ché loves being in the pool.
It took about 1 1/2 minutes for him to remember that he really loved the pool last year and then there was no stopping him. We had backfloating, bubble blowing and face dipping as well as sitting and kneeling on the bottom. When we got out his floaty thing he was off in the big pool on his own.
Of course the hard part was when we needed to leave to come home to eat. A shivering baby that screams just isn't a pretty picture.
On another note, we start again tomorrow. Letrozole, the bravelle, then who knows. I'll post the schedule later.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Anybody got any money?
Sigh, if only that would fix the problems.
Mike and I made it an hour early to our appointment on Saturday morning. Luckily for us, they let us in an hour early and did our appointment. Of course since Mike works for a pretty well known Catholic University, nothing that is deemed as infertility is covered. The blood work on Saturday wasn't covered, and cost $139. The ultrasound had to be billed as infertility too. It was $230. The whole appointment cost $369 and lasted at most 30 minutes. (That's $738/ hour and $12.30/ minute for you math people)
Mike and I made it an hour early to our appointment on Saturday morning. Luckily for us, they let us in an hour early and did our appointment. Of course since Mike works for a pretty well known Catholic University, nothing that is deemed as infertility is covered. The blood work on Saturday wasn't covered, and cost $139. The ultrasound had to be billed as infertility too. It was $230. The whole appointment cost $369 and lasted at most 30 minutes. (That's $738/ hour and $12.30/ minute for you math people)
We left, I felt good. I had three follicles on my left side that were measuring about 15-16mm. We thought we would do a few more Bravelle injections, and have another ultrasound on Mon./Tues. of this week. (Coincidentally I had a perfectly sized follicle on the right side, but since it's not connected, it doesn't matter). Everything was fine, and while I wasn't looking forward to more home injections, it was alright, and we figured things would be ready to "go" by mid-week. The nurse was going to give us a call that afternoon after talking to Dr. Jarrett to let us know the procedure and to let us know that she would call in our prescription to the pharmacy.
We stopped for breakfast at a Bob Evan's in Kokomo. I had biscuits and gravy and didn't feel guilty thinking that in the grand scheme a carb splurge was alright since things were going down the right path.
How wrong we were. About 30 minutes from home the phone rang. I answered, and listened, said mmhmm, and said everything was fine and hung up. Only, everything wasn't fine. The blood work showed that my estradiol and lutenizing hormones didn't rise, and with the slow growth of the follicles, it was pretty much a wrap. The follicles probably wouldn't grow anymore and so the advice was to stop taking all meds and let nature take it's toll. Basically wait for a period and start over again.
I cried, I didn't talk to Mike, and basically felt guilt. Too much diet coke? Was it the meds that I missed (the non-essential ones)? Did I eat too many carbs?
I'm still lamenting over it.
It was nice though to have a phone call from the Dr.'s office today just asking how I was. Someone actually cared, and didn't make the "he knows what he's doing comment," and blow me off. The nurse that called said she would be talking with Dr. Jarrett again today and let us know.
Again, we wait, but now we look for financing options that carry lower interest than our current credit cards.
I wish there was an easier way.
BTW, If I hear any of these comments again I may kill someone:
1.) You have Ché, and should be grateful for that.
(I am, very much so, but I don't want him to be an only child.)
2.) Just relax
3.) It'll happen when it happens.
4.) Did you check whether you and your husband are compatible?
(This was said by a phlebotomy tech and was talking about sperm and cervical fluid)
I'm sure there are others that I'm not remembering but you get the point.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Nothing new ** UPDATED**
We visited my parents last night. My dad looked like he did the day before.
I'm not sure all what's going on, as my mom is the kind that has to wait and tell you the details on her own time. There are some issues going on, but they haven't discussed it with the oncologist yet. I don't want to be naive, but I think that it's important to do that before jumping to conclusions.
It's still not happy news in anyway, however, I'm not sure where we stand.
On another note:
We don't have to go to Indy on Saturday, we're choosing to go. Dr. Jarrett's office called and said that we could come into the office Saturday for an ultrasound and that would then decided what we would do next (more injections of Bravelle, or the HcG) OR we could go ahead and just do the HcG on Sunday with the assumption that things are on track.
The ultrasound showed that my follicles were measuring at 11's and 12's, and they should be 15's or more before trying. So there not that far off.
We decided that we should do things the right way, and go down for the ultrasound. This way if we need one more injection, than it's not a waste.
In that event Ché is staying for the first time with Grandma and Grandpa. We'll see how that goes.
**UPDATE**
I was at home, packing Ché's things up for his weekend adventure, when my mom called. She had a very panicked voice, and I immediately thought something happened to my Dad. Boy, was I wrong. She called to tell me that my brother's mother-in-law was found in her trailer dead. My brother was holding a garage sale this weekend, so my mom was calling for help in cleaning that up and getting his 2 kids to their house for the night. My brother's mother-in-law was in her early 60's and fairly healthy. Please keep their family in your thoughts.
On another side note, seems that there was a mishap at my parents house involving juice. My dad drinks these little Welch's juice bottles. He was taking them upstairs to his room and drinking half or so a night. He would then finish the rest later. Seems that some of them were growing mold and he was still drinking them. The thought at this moment, although not medically checked, is that the ill feeling, and the other things going on were an adverse effect of drinking moldy juice. sigh. It's always something around here.
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