Wow

I really should post more often. Ooops.

I guess I owe some updates. The girls are now 4 1/2 months old and Che is 4. Eek, I can't believe it. The girls are sleeping mostly through the night, from about 10:30 to 5:30. They get up and fuss about for about an hour but then go back to sleep until about 8. They are drinking about 6 ounces a night, and we did give them rice cereal at 4 months 2 weeks. We tried it with a spoon, and Lucy did alright, but Zoe just keep spitting it out. We wanted to keep up with the cereal so we did the.worst. thing.ever. and put it in their bottles. Apparently you aren't supposed to do that, but we did anyway, and it's working fine. I think at 5 months we'll try some spoons again.

At four months Zoe weighed in at 10 lbs. 15 oz., and Lucy was 10 lbs. 9 oz. so they are growing well. Even though they are still small, they are growing with the curve that they have always been on, about the 10-15th percentile.

A few weeks ago we met up with a friend of Mike's from high school. She has twin boys who are adorable and we let the kids all play together. After all of that Che still said he'd like to have 10 babies at home! eek. That's a picture of all 4 twins up at the top!

Che is in preschool and enjoys it, although we think he's bored. We're considering sending him somewhere else, but we just don't know at this point. He doesn't bring home a lot of papers and doesn't ever have a lot to report, so we need to meet with the school and talk to the teachers for next year.

We've decided with Che that we're going to try and do something one-on-one with him each week. We're also going to try and put him to bed a half hour earlier. He's still really good with the girls, but he's had some acting out behaviors lately, that I think are from lack of attention.

I don't have any good pictures of him uploaded yet but I'll get some.

I know there's much more, but this will have to do for tonight!

I don't agree

"It's very different from adopting," Paulson agreed. "Everyone would rather have a baby from their own egg and their husband's sperm, but if that's not possible, the next best thing after that is that you get pregnant with donor egg."

"With adoption you get to be a parent once the baby is born but with donor egg, you get to be a parent from the moment of conception," he added.

The mother bonds with the child by carrying it for nine months, said Silber, "and whatever question marks she may have had by it not having her DNA are erased by this bonding process."
Taken from this article:

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Wellness/couple-twins-25-years-vitro-fertilization-ivf/story?id=9574779&page=1

I think you are a parent of an adopted child the first time you "meet" that child, be it through pictures, through a surrogate ultrasound, or in person. I know that with Ché we bonded with his picture, the reports that came telling us how he was doing, and progressing.

DNA and pregnancy do not make you a parent by any means.

Some pictures to hold you over

Till I have the brain to write more.

Zoe on the right, Lucy on the left

Lucy

Zoe on the left, Lucy on the right

Lucy

One proud big brother

The Whole Story

I really didn't jump on a pogo stick, or do jumping jacks in secret, like my husband tends to think. However I did get my wish, and Lucy and Zoe entered the world on Friday, December 18, 2009.

Luckily everything worked out alright, someone was definitely looking out for us, and I'm pretty sure I know who. Che was as usual on Thursday night at Nana's house, he went to bed at 6:45 after an exhausting all day Christmas party at school. Mike and I went to Gino's, and even took the time to wait for the deep dish sausage pizza (Mike is a big fan of the wheel 'o sausage). We got home about 8 o'clock, and took our customary places on the couch to watch some Thursday night football. We discussed names, and being that at my appointment earlier that day I was 3 centimeters dilated, were really trying to be serious this time. As is normal, we went to bed, me with what seemed like 3,000 pillows, and Mike, probably hoping I didn't snore the night away thus forcing him to the couch.

At 6:45 I woke up for the 2nd trip to the bathroom, and when I came back to bed, couldn't fall asleep because Miss Unknown at the time had decided a nerve that makes my hands fall asleep was a great place to lay. Mike got up to take a shower and get ready for work at about 7:30, and I heard the water running in the tub. I attempted to move, and my water broke. Since the tub water was running when I yelled out Mike didn't hear me, so I very gingerly waddled my way back to the bathroom to let Mike know who was out of the shower. I don't think I've ever seen him move so fast.

After a few minutes we both calmed down (although I don't think I ever got nusty, but I could be wrong) and took showers, gathered the few last minute things, and made some calls. We made it to the hospital by 8:30, and were taken into a triage room, where I explained that we were scheduled for a c-section on January 8, 2010, and that this was the route I still wanted to go. Not but a half hour into our stay, but my Mom showed up, very excited of course! It is of note to say that I did not have any contractions..., but we'll leave it at that because I don't want every other woman in the world to hate me.

After some tests, and an IV we were getting instructions on what the c-section would entail, and that we would pry go in about 30 minutes. This is where unfortunately it got interesting. About 10 to 10 my mom started crying, and put her head between her legs. We all asked if she was alright, and to my surprise she actually said no, that she had pain radiating in her arms, was short of breath, etc. So, she was promptly taken down to the ER here at the hospital, put on an EKG and checked out. She then had to have a catheter placed to check out her heart, through her arm I believe. She was taken to the heart floor here at the hospital, and diagnosed with "Broken Heart Syndrome." As of Saturday the cardiologist has released her, saying that her heart is weak, but with treatment she will recover. Unfortunately, the psychologist has not released her yet, but may do so tomorrow (Sunday.) She was understandably upset and kept apologizing for screwing things up, etc. She didn't of course. At this time she has been able to come up and meet the girls and was very happy to have done so.

The wonderful staff here at the hospital was very accommodating, allowing us to push back the time our c-section was supposed to happen and getting as many updates as we could about Mom. As soon as I felt that she was alright, I gave the go ahead to get going on our end. I have no idea what Mike did while I went back and had the spinal block placed. I have to say that the bee sting feeling of the numbing needle is spot on, and while the placement of the rest isn't painful, you do feel it going on and moving around. The heat and tingliness that follows is definitely something that while they told me about, I wasn't prepared for at all. I was all ready to go, and then the anesthesiologist told me that they had already started, so after I actually spent time listening to what was going on, I could hear cutting and instruments. Mike came in shortly after they had started, and he to my surprise watched a lot of the actual surgery, commenting on my uterus, and ovaries, and the babies "beautiful" umbilical cords along the way. I was not prepared for the play-by-play, but in hindsight glad it was there.

After a few minutes, I have no idea how many, but not a terribly long time, Lucy Ann debuted at 11:04, weighing in at 5lbs. 5oz., and was 19 inches long. She was the baby that was at the bottom in utero, so I'm sure she appreciated getting out of there, since she was no longer being squished. He sister, Zoe Lynn, followed close behind a 11:06, weighing in at 5 lbs., 9oz. and was 18 1/4 inches long. Sometime during Zoe's delivery the doctor said something to the effect of "No you can't go back in there." Both started crying very soon after coming into this world, and sounded really great. Neither had trouble breathing to my knowledge, or received oxygen. They spent some time in the heaters, and then were released to us, with no stay in the NICU.

During this time I was "put back together" and Mike was able to float between all the girls to take pictures and give me updates. We were then wheeled to recovery, where the girls continued to do well, and I started to come out of the anesthesia.

I have to say that the c-section was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. When I was by myself getting prepped I was having second thoughts about doing things this way, however I knew that at that point there was no turning back, so did my best to suck it up and go with the flow.

During recovery the nurses asked if I wanted to nurse, and while it's something we had talked about we had not made it such a priority that we were dead set on doing so. I felt that if it worked, great, if not we would formula feed with no regrets. I did not think that things would work out well since the girls were born at 34 weeks 5 days, technically preemies, and could have difficulty sucking, however we underestimated the tough little cookies, who latched on right away for about 8-10 minutes.

At this time, both girls are still doing well at feeding, sleeping, and being exceptionally cute, although I know I'm biased. Zoe has a very round face and even personality, she either wants to be nursing, held, or sleeping, with or without a pacifier. Lucy has a bit more temperamental personality, but is still fairly easy going. She is the one that tends to fuss more, however is easily calmed and is just a bit more needy. Zoe's hair tends to lay down nice, and Lucy's stands up on end. I think that Zoe has more of my face, while Lucy has Mike's thinner face.

This has gotten extremely long, so I'll end it with a picture, and be done!

It's sinking in

It's finally sinking in, and isn't as much of a shock as it was before. I think Mike and I are finally somewhat excited about the prospect of having two babies at once. For a long time other people were more excited than we were about us having twins. We were terrified (and still are) and apparently some people even wondered whether we were excited at all.

Of course we are. I think that it's wonderful and we wouldn't change it for anything, however it is a bit daunting when faced with the idea of daily life. Bottles alone will have to number close to 50 in our house just so that we have back up in case they don't all get washed in a day. Diapers are going to pry be on the upwards of 20 at the beginning, and that's just the two most obvious things that we've thought about. There's a lot that we have to prepare for, and a lot that we have to purchase, find, fix, and rearrange in our house. But, we're excited too.

I think next week, when we find out what the babies are, it will definitely hit home more that there will be two coming home, and then it will maybe make it seem more real. I think it may be more real for me, being that I'm carrying them around, however seeing them again next week will hit it home again for Mike.

Ché has successfully moved upstairs. We were prepared for more crying, and more trying to get attention, but he transitioned like a champ and still loves his room. He also told Nana today that the babies are coming around Christmas time, and that they aren't going to be staying in his new yellow room upstairs. They get his old fishy room, but not his fishy blanket, because he only has one of those!

16 weeks

16 weeks. Wow, where has the time gone?





Get ready for a growth spurt. In the next few weeks, your baby will double his weight and add inches to his length. Right now, he's about the size of an avocado: 4 1/2 inches long (head to rump) and 3 1/2 ounces. His legs are much more developed, his head is more erect than it has been, and his eyes have moved closer to the front of his head. His ears are close to their final position, too. The patterning of his scalp has begun, though his locks aren't recognizable yet. He's even started growing toenails. And there's a lot happening inside as well. For example, his heart is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood each day, and this amount will continue to increase as your baby continues to develop.

Can you make guacamole with 2 avocados? hehe. Coincidentally, as much as I enjoy their smooth texture, I am allergic to them.

I have some more updates that I'll get to, but I don't have time right now. I promise, they're coming though!

12 weeks

The most dramatic development this week: reflexes. Your baby's fingers will soon begin to open and close, his toes will curl, his eye muscles will clench, and his mouth will make sucking movements. In fact, if you prod your abdomen, your baby will squirm in response, although you won't be able to feel it. His intestines, which have grown so fast that they protrude into the umbilical cord, will start to move into his abdominal cavity about now, and his kidneys will begin excreting urine into his bladder.

Meanwhile, nerve cells are multiplying rapidly, and in your baby's brain, synapses are forming furiously. His face looks unquestionably human: His eyes have moved from the sides to the front of his head, and his ears are right where they should be. From crown to rump, your baby-to-be is just over 2 inches long (about the size of a lime) and weighs half an ounce.

And that's the update this week. The size of limes... based on the last ultrasounds they are probably both right on, as they have measured exactly right every time. I still feel alright, although the doctor took me off of the metformin, and ever since then I have been a lot more tired, and a lot less hungry. Hopefully that will taper off as my body gets used to not having the medicine.

Just an update

On Monday my doctor removed me from the metformin, which means that my body no longer has help digesting sugar. The thing I've noticed though is a return of the exhaustion.

It was so much better last week, sigh. Wish that hadn't come back.



I'm happy to report though that my aversion to food is going away, although some things still ick.... like the commercial for KFC Grilled chicken, just turns my stomachache, I can't even watch it. I've also noticed a tightness in the clothes, and have thoroughly enjoyed wearing the one pair of maternity capri's that my mom so generously bought for me. They have a lot of room, don't get me wrong, but they're oh so comfy.



People keep asking me about cravings, and I don't think I've really had any that are that outstanding or that "I can't live without it..." however I guess I could start the list with orange pop and ice.

Mike has lovingly gotten me a big cup of ice from the neighborhood Speedway at least 3-4 times per week with no complaining. He did however complain when I sprawled out on the bed the other night with my knee in his back...


I am going next Thursday morning for a 1 hour Glucose Tolerance Test. Since being taken off the meds., and carrying twins my doctor wanted to be safe and do one now and one later. Hooray for me! I'm worried about it though, just because everything else with the pregnancy has been so easy, so I've been waiting for something to happen...

So we'll see what happens.

Have a good weekend and if you get a chance on Tuesday, wish Mike a Happy Birthday!

Strollers, bottles, and more!

One thing that has become apparent is that we don't have a lot of "baby" stuff.

Ché was 13 months old the day we picked him up, so the littlest things we have are 6-9 months, which yes, amazingly fit Ché for quite some time. (he wore 12 month shorts yesterday...)

So, we've been assessing the situation and trying to decide all that we need to acquire in the next 6-7 months. It's apparent that we have to have two car seats, clothes and bottles. We went tonight and looked at a double stroller which I think you need a CDL to drive their so big and get an idea of the car seats that are available. I've been scouring the clearance racks for clothes, so we won't have to have naked kids running around...

We we were able to score 2 "jiggly" seats at a garage sale for $6 a piece, and a crib and mattress from Craigslist for $120. (We've decided to split the babies up as best as we can at the beginning by putting them in their own cribs, this way we avoid trying to split them up from co-sleeping with one another, which we've read has been a difficult thing to do)

The big debate now is bottles. When Che came we used the ventaire bottles by playtex, and the cheap Gerber bottles since that was what he used in Guatemala. At the time the BPA free movement hadn't quite gained momentum so bottles weren't made that way. Mike wants to do glass bottles, but I'm fine as long as the plastic is BPA free. The bad thing is that whatever we choose we have to have a lot of. There's no way that we'll be able to have less than 12-15 bottles for everyday... which could be very expensive. So, we'll continue discussing those options.

Is there anything that you recommend for infants? We don't have experience here so any comments are welcome!

The other great debate is:

Names. Mike likes much different names than I do. He contends that we should just each name one, but that prospect is scary. Names he threw out tonight are:

*Apollo

* Quinn

* Sawyer

* Tillman (Till...)

* Navarre

* Cutler (-ey... hehe)

* Harper

* Tucker

* Hollis

* Gust

*Luc

*Alburon

*Theophilus (I mean seriously????)

and that's just the beginning of his madness. So yea, that's going to be a battle. Sigh...

So, any advice on baby gear and names would be appreciated, not necessarily name ideas, but ways to bridge the gaps in our likes/dislikes.

A month betwen posts

and so much to post about...

As most of you are already aware, Mike and I have done a lot of fertility work. We agreed to do one IVF cycle, and if it didn't work, that was going to be the end. Famous last words!

On May 3rd we had 7 eggs retrieved and fertilized. There were 6 eggs fertilized and so on Wednesday, May 5th we had 2 put back. At that time we had decided to do a freezing of eggs, which means that everyone they took out was fertilized and then they got to pick the best 2 to put back in. We had intentions of freezing the rest for future use. If we had not consented to the freezing, they would have only fertilized 2 eggs, which means if they didn't work, we would have lost all the time and hope we put into the process.

Then we waited, and waited, and waited some more. It was the longest 13 days of my life. On May 17th, Mike left for NABS in Michigan, which wasn't far, but far enough away that he wasn't going to be able to be home for the next day's results of the first beta test. I took a home pregnancy test on the 17th, and it declared "Pregnant" in its digital read out much quicker than the 3 minutes the box said. I ran into the bedroom, and handed it to Mike who said "What does that mean."

I went on the 18th, coincidentally, 1 year after my dad had passed away and had my first beta done. On the guidelines from the Dr's. office it said that if the number is over 50, the test would be repeated in 2 days, and if under 50 you could assume you were not pregnant. That phone call came in the afternoon on the 18th, with a beta number of 228, well over that magic 50 number. I had a repeat beta on Wednesday the 20th, and again according to the guidelines in order to celebrate we needed to see the number double, which meant we should see at least 456, ours was 526m which again was much more than needed.

We were officially pregnant at that time! Something we had waited so long for, and it seemed so surreal

I started to question the high numbers at that time, but our Dr.'s office wouldn't confirm anything, and Dr. Google wasn't very helpful either. So we had to wait again. On June 6th we went in for an ultrasound to confirm and the tech said, "There's your baby, and there's another one..."

I think Mike almost fainted, I had prepared myself that this was a possibility, he had convinced himself that it was not. The tech measured, both were measuring at the right sizes, one was measuring 6 weeks 5 days (right on), and the other was 6 weeks 4 days. the heart rates were right on where they needed to be as well.

The dr.'s office then led us to another room where we were left alone for quite some time to digest the news. I don't think they could have left us there long enough!

We had another ultrasound 2 weeks later, and the tech was not good at hiding her concern over the fact that Baby "B" was a lot smaller than Baby "A" It was very concerning, and we thought something was wrong. The comforting thing though was that the heart rates were very healthy. We were asked to wait at the doctor's office to talk to someone, but I had a mtg, and couldn't wait. The rescheduled us for a week later to re-measure and make sure everything was alright. A week later Baby "B" had turned and was measuring right on track, as was Baby "A" which meant, no problems. It was comforting to know and set my mind at ease.

I had another annual type appt. today, and since the doctor cannot use a doppler to hear the heartbeats got to have another ultrasound to measure heartbeats. This was my first ultrasound that was done on the outside, not in, and it was very cool. I got to see both babies, very briefly, and see that their hearts are pumping well, one at 171 and the other at 173. Baby "A" was chillin out, cool as a cucumber, and Baby "B" was rockin' it out in there, all limbs going at once. Both babies were head up today, which last time one was head up and the other head down.

At this time we are 11 weeks pregnant, with a due date still set for January 24th, although with twins the normal gestation is less than 40 weeks so I'm assuming it will be at least 4 weeks early, which leaves us at the end of Dec. or early Jan.

I have to say that overall I've felt great. I've not had any morning sickness and the only complaints I have are that my left leg keeps falling asleep and I'm really tired. O try not to bring it up a lot because I don't like the glares from other pregnant women, or the smiting from someone making it suddenly appear!

I feel that you can tell that I'm pregnant at this point, however I doubt that you can, it's just my perception. I'm to the point where a lot of my pants are tighter, so I bought these, which have been really helpful. They come in two different sizes and right now what they are allowing me to do is eat comfortably and move well.

I've tried really hard not to read a lot of pregnancy books because I don't want to make my mind lead me into thinking things are happening when they aren't. If I have questions, I call the doctor. I've been feeling some round ligament pain at times, which is very interesting, and I know shocking to Mike when I just stood hunched over in the kitchen one day for about 3 minutes.

Mike is really excited now, and we're both getting used to the idea that our family is almost doubling. Ché believes that the babies are his, and that Santa is going to put them in my belly button at Christmas time. He is very excited about having siblings, and insists that he is going to be a big sister.

The one site that I do check regularly is one that compares fetal size with fruit. This is week 11:

A fig. last week it was a kumquat. This for me puts the babies into perspective into something that I can hold, and make tangible.

So, that's our big news. What have you been up to?

I'll try to post some more of Che's stories, and things that he's made up, they're hilarious and definitely worth sharing!

Thought

Infertility is something that a lot of people don't understand. The concept isn't hard to understand, and a bit of basic science knowledge can help people understand the reasons behind, but I think it's the emotional side that people generally have a lack of knowledge about.

I believe that alot of people think that those of us (women) that suffer through infertility are jealous of pregnant women. It's true, at least for me. I feel a pang of jealousness, (then guilt) every time a loved one, or friend announces a pregnancy. It's compounded when I get the baby shower invites, or the updates to the pregnancy blog. (ack!)

But, honestly it's not the pregnancy that I'm jealous of. It's taken a lot of time for me to process this, and I'm finally able to pinpoint it. I'm not envious that people can get pregnant, but that they can have a baby. That's the end result of a pregnancy, and that's ultimately the reason for embarking on that journey. To have a baby.

Most people, I believe, don't get pregnant because they want to be pregnant. I believe they do so to have a family, to have a baby, a child.

So, it's 10 times harder for me to be around newborns, and babies, than it is pregnant women. Showers compound it because everyone is celebrating the impending birth of a new baby.

I think what says it best though, better than I can is this letter from Resolve, a national organization on infertility: (it's long! you've been warned!)

"I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don't understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.You may describe me this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren't very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe myself this way: confused, rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I've spent years avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can't conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try harder, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I'd been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my partner not to be out of town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I'm frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I'm never a parent? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can't my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I'm afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible my pain is. Even though I'm usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I'm losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I'll survive this.My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby? Will my partner want to remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self-confidence and to feel ashamed.My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I'm angry at my body because it has betrayed me even though I've always taken care of it. I'm angry at my partner because we can't seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me. I'm angry at my family because they've always sheltered and protected me from terrible pain. My younger sibling is pregnant; my mother wants a family reunion to show off her grandchildren and my grandparents want to pass down family heirlooms.I'm angry at my medical caregivers, because it seems that they control my future. They humiliate me, inflict pain on me, pry into my privacy, patronize me, and sometimes forget who I am. How can I impress on them how important parenting is to me? I'm angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn't cooperative, and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can't miss any more work, or I'll lose my job. I can't go to a specialist, because it means more travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I'm angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.My infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I've lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I've never cried so much nor so easily. I'm sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I'm sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered. I'm sad that I've ignored many friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I'm surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kids' movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless.My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and my long-term future seems impossible. I can't decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursuing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and houseguests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursue more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I'm learning some helpful ways to cope; I'm now convinced I'm not crazy, and I believe I'll survive. I'm learning to listen to my body and to be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I'm realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I'm trying to be more than an infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life.You can help me. I know you care about me and I know my infertility affects our relationship. My sadness causes you sadness; what hurts me, hurts you, too. I believe we can help each other through this sadness. Individually we both seem quite powerless, but together we can be stronger. Maybe some of these hints will help us to better understand infertility.I need you to be a listener. Infertile couples have a lot on their minds and need someone to talk to. Sometimes a good ear helps people get things off their chests. A good listener can help people express their anxiety, anger, and guilt; or help people work out solutions to problems. Without offering any suggestions, your attentiveness and interest may provide the comfort and reassurance I need most. Talking about my struggle helps me to make decisions. Let me know if you are available for me. Repeatedly remind me that you love me no matter what. I need to hear it so badly. Let me know you understand that this is very hard work. Help me realize that I may need additional support from professional caregivers and appropriate organizations. Perhaps you can suggest resources. You might also need support for yourself, and I fear I'm unable to provide it for you; please don't expect me to do so. Help me to keep sight of my goal.Let me know when you don’t know what to say. I need you to be comfortable with me, and then I also will feel more comfortable. Talking about infertility sometimes feels awkward. Are you worried you might say the wrong thing? Share those feelings with me. Ask me if I want to talk. Sometimes I will want to, and sometimes I won't, but it will remind me that you care.I need you to be sensitive. Although I may joke about infertility to help myself cope, it doesn't seem as funny when others joke about it. Please don't tease me with remarks like, "You don't seem to know how to do it." Don't trivialize my struggle by saying, "I'd be glad to give you one of my kids." It's no comfort to hear empty reassurances like, "You'll be a parent by this time next year." Don't minimize my feelings with, "You shouldn't be so unhappy." For now, don't push me into uncomfortable situations like baby showers or family reunions. I already feel sad and guilty; please don't also make me feel guilty for disappointing you.I need you to be honest with me. Let me know that you may need time to adjust to some of my decisions. I also needed adjustment time. If there are things you don't understand, say so. Please be gentle when you guide me to be realistic about things I can't change such as my age, some medical conditions, financial resources, and employment obligations. Don't hide information about others' pregnancies from me. Although such news makes me feel very sad, it feels worse when you leave me out.I need you to be informed. Your advice and suggestions are only frustrating to me if they aren't based on fact. Be well informed so you can educate others when they make remarks based on myths. Don't let anyone tell you that my infertility will be cured if I relax and adopt. Don't tell me this is God's will. Don't ask me to justify my need to parent. Don't criticize my course of action or my choice of physician even though I may do that myself. Reassure yourself that I am also searching for plenty of information which helps me make more knowledgeable decisions about my options.I need you to be patient. Remember that working through infertility is a process. It takes time. There are no guarantees, no package deals, no complete kits, no one right answer, and no "quickie" choices. My needs change; my choices change. Yesterday I demanded privacy, but today I need you for strength. You have many feelings about infertility, and I do too. Please allow me to have anger, joy, sadness, and hope. Don't minimize or evaluate my feelings. Just allow me to have them, and give me time.I need you to be strengthening by boosting my self esteem. My sense of worthlessness hampers my ability to take charge. My personal privacy has repeatedly been invaded. Enjoyable experiences with you such as a lunch date, a shopping trip, or a visit to a museum help me feel normal. Encourage me to maintain my sense of humor; guide me to find joys. Celebrate with me my successes, even ones as small as making it through a medical appointment without crying. Remind me that I am more than an infertile person. Help me by sharing your strength.Eventually I will be beyond the struggle of infertility. I know my infertility will never completely go away, because it will change my life. I won't be able to return to the person I was before infertility, but I also will no longer be controlled by this struggle. I will leave the struggle behind me, and from that I will have improved my skills for empathy, patience, resilience, forgiveness, decision-making and self-assessment. I feel grateful that you are trying to ease my journey through this infertility struggle by giving me your understanding."

It helps to have Mike, someone that understands to the best of his ability what's going on. So for that I'm grateful.

2 years ago

Our lives were drastically changed.

On Sunday, December 18, 2006 after 6 hours on a plane to Guatemala, hand picking our baggage off the broken baggage claim, and going around and around the airport deciding whether or not to actually go out, we got a call saying that in 30 minutes our son would be at the hotel.


It was an unnerving moment. I didn't know what to do first, or how we were ever going to be ready to meet this child, let alone be the sole caregivers for him. I believe I took a shower, not knowing what else to do.



These are my two favorite pictures from the trip. The first time Mike ever held Ché. He was definitely holding back tears. The woman in the picture is Ché's foster mother. She was wonderful, and we still credit her with Ché's good behavior.

(Can you tell how scared and confused Ché is? He cried for about 30 minutes after the foster mom left, but then was very quiet for most of the rest of the trip)


And, Ché and I, in front of the enormous Christmas tree in the lobby of the hotel we stayed at. This picture was taken the day we left, and we were waiting for the taxi to take us to the airport.

One thing I've been thinking a lot about, especially now that Ché has been home for more time than he spent in Guatemala, is nature vs. nurture. I think this picture sums it all up.

Can you see it? The facial expressions?

While today is a special day, we've decided to celebrate his adoption on the 21st, which is the day we arrived back in South Bend, and the day our whole families got to meet Ché for the first time.

Going Away

I just returned from a CASA Conference in Indianapolis. I was leery about going, as I've never left Mike and Ché alone overnight while I went off to a big city.

I enjoyed myself. I listened to some good speakers and got some good ideas to take back to work. I received an awesome bag... and stole some great swag. A friend from work and I drove down to Indy together and shared a room. She lived there for 12 years so drove around and took me to her favorite bar. Now, those of you that know me, also know that I'm not a drinker, and definitely not a bar person. It was way out of my comfort zone, but I did enjoy myself, and learned that I like martinis. The place was called Rock Bottom. I had the applitini and a sexy bex. The appletini tasted like a jolly rancher, and the sex bex was so sweet it was scary how much it didn't taste like alcohol.

On the way home we stopped at World Market, and I bought way too much stuff since I've never been to one before. It was great. Truly wish we had one here.

What I learned the most from the conference though... That I missed home and couldn't wait to be back.

Celebrate Adoption!

November is National Adoption Awareness. National Adoption Day is Nov. 15th this year. Coincidentally, Nov. 18th was National Adoption day last year and was Ché's 2nd birthday, but his first birthday with us.
Here's a calendar of ways to celebrate adoption every day this month.


http://www.adoption.com/national-adoption-awareness-month/

Check it out, and see if there is a way you can support and promote adoption!

Wash, Rinse, Repeat!

It's time again for the fun of injections and hormone drugs! I'm glad that I called, cause I have to take pills today...

It's gonna be an interesting week to say the least!

On another note, I interviewed for a job today. I don't need a new job, but there is certainly room for improvement in where I work now. I could really use more of a challenge. Of course I got the stock answer "I have more people to interview, and I'll be in touch," so I just have to wait and see. I've never felt so confident going into an interview though, since I don't "need" the job. Such a different experience!

The Fuss!

When Mike and I walked into his parents house last night, Ché was on the phone...
Grandma was on the phone, and Grandpa was running around as usual.

Why the fuss? A new baby!

Graham Edward Brueseke

7 lbs. 13 oz

21 3/4 inches long

Born at 4:58 pm

was born yesterday to Uncle Matt and Uncle Emily. (Ché was a little despondent that they didn't go with his choice of names... although it is very cute to hear him say 'raham')

Congratulations new Mommy and Daddy!


Graham was born at 4:58, weighing 7 lbs oz, and is inches long.
Pictures I'm sure are coming.

The new mommy is doing fine!

Ask and ye shall receive

After complaining in my last post about how Mike's work was going to cover part but not all of the drugs, I get a phone call with good news.
They're going back to April 1, which means everything is covered. We'll be getting money back to help pay for all of the drugs. Wow.

On another note, I haven't written about it this time, just keeping it in, but here's the new report:

Letrozole is done, hot flashes included. (I hope), the shots have been going well. Mike is getting pretty good at it, and I had an ultrasound this morning. There are about 4 eggs to be seen, but only 1 is the right size.

But you know, it only takes one. And in our minds, 1 is better than 4.

The only thing that went south was the blood draw. Normally I don't have a problem with this. Not to say that I like it, but at least I can do them now without going crazy. the phlebotomist today couldn't find my vein. (I normally have very good veins). She found it in my left arm, poked and nothing. She jiggled the needle, poked deeper, and nothing. I felt like I was going to vomit and faint. (read: lightheaded, iron taste in mouth, hot...) She finally gave up and went to the other arm with a smaller needle. It worked, thank goodness, because I don't know that I could have done another poke.

I truly think though that the only thing that kept me from puking, was the mint gum I had popped in prior to my appointment. I just hope that this doesn't happen again.

Good but Frustrating

Dr. Jarrett wrote a letter to Mike's employer explaining the need for the current drugs, and that we were using them for purposes of getting my straightened out, as well as the hope of acheiving a pregnancy.



The Good News? They decided to cover it. It's unprecedented really. A large Catholic institution covering fertility meds.

The frustrating part? The letter is dated April 29, 2008. This means that they are going to cover from May 1, 2008 and on. We picked up the first doses of the medicine on April 23rd.

Sigh.

Here we go again:

Here's our new instructions:





It's pretty much the same as last time. The difference is the dosage of Bravelle. It's double the dose as last time, which increases the multiples risk. We'll see what happens now. I have an ultrasound tomorrow to determine whether I have too many cysts to continue, and then another on June 9th to see the progress if we go ahead with the cycle.

The Next 10 days

Here's what the next 10 days look like of our plan. I have a call in for the baseline ultrasound and HcG injection on the 8th of May. I'm still in awe that things are moving along. I have hope, but after reading so many other blogs about infertility, it kind makes me nervous.

The Letrozole is in pill form, and the Bravelle is the injections. After the 10 days and the baseline and HcG shots, I will be taking a progesterone supplement.

I am hoping though. Alot.