Tuesday, April 1, 2008

The Randomness of Liz's Mind

I've been thinking a lot lately. I think every day, but not usually about anything that important.

But lately, I've been thinking about some important things. I even got mad at Mike because of my thinking. (And I'm sorry for that.)
The part that I got mad at Mike about is that I felt somewhat pushed into trying the fertility meds again. I would be happy as a clam to scrape together a bunch of money and adopt again. It's a known situation. I remember doing the paperwork, sending out the money, etc. It was heart wrenching, exciting, terrifying, and wonderful all at the same time, but I know what that's like. I also know what it's like to become an instant parent to a toddler. I don't know what it's like to be pregnant, give birth, and parent an infant. I'm not scared to have a baby in the house, although I'd rather sleep than get up in the middle of the night. (We've been blessed with a good sleeper). I also have worries about what Mike is going to be like. He's wonderful with Ché, but it's like Ché has another play thing. I truly feel that even though he is capable, there are times where I could wring his neck for lack of help. I feel that 80-90% of the time I do the disciplining, and cooking and cleaning up, while Mike plays. Generally I don't mind, but sometimes I do. One of those days was the other day, and then I began thinking about what it would be like to add an infant into the mix, and I got really mad. Then couple that with the fact that I did feel pushed (did is the important word here), and it was like a boiling point. I let it out. I'm sorry that I did, but I think it's important sometimes to just let it out.

I also don't believe him when he says that if I do get pregnant, that he would do everything and be all over with doing dinners, laundry, etc.

The other think I've been worrying about is Ché. He's doing wonderfully. He's been in a great mood lately, spitting out words, sentences, etc., like never before. However, I worry about what life is going to be like for him if we do have our own child. I never think of Ché as anything but my child. I don't refer to him as my adopted child, or as my not-natural child. But when he's older, if we do have another child, I worry that he's going to feel left out, not good enough, so different that he can't cope.

I voiced this to Mike, and he agreed, and also brought up a good point.

We're weird.

In the adoption world, we don't fit in. We're both relatively young, we didn't do tons of fertility treatments before going to adoption, and we didn't already have children before adopting. Many families that have biological children have them first and then adopt later. Many families that adopt are older. Many families that adopt have done loads of fertility treatments and then adopt. You get the point. We are not the normal adoptive family. I know there are others like that, and even others that also have biological children after adopting. I really would like some insight here, what are your thoughts? What should we prepare for, do, etc.

I welcome any thoughts on these two topics: Having biological children post adoption, and getting Mike to be more helpful around the house.

3 comments:

Mike said...

I feel somewhat under investigation. Am I a person of interest, under arrest?

You gotta let me know...

Resplendentquetzal said...

No, you're not under investigation, nor are you a person of interest or under arrest.
I just want people to know what I'm feeling, and the reasoning without certain people questioning me, or making stupid comments...

MissHum22 said...

Mike, don't feel bad. No one reading this will think any less of you because it's more of a man/woman thing than a good cop/bad cop thing.

Darin is an awesome Dad. He is very involved and helpful with the kids when he's home. The house, however, is another story. (HA!) It is a little easier for Darin and I to decide who's responsibility is who's because I don't work. So it's not like we both get home & have to decide who is bathing the kids or cooking dinner. Although women are liberated, it is funny how instead of being equal, women are still expected to handle the domestic affairs as well as working, etc. So, no Mike, it's not you. It's everyone :)

I will say, though, because Romana is breastfed, I have to bear 90% of her, because Darin would be like, "Well- she's crying." & hand her to me - not to mention she was a big momma's girl early on.

As a woman, I do the lion's share of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, remembering everyone's birthdays, special events, parties, buying gifts on behalf of the family, grocery shopping, keeping appointments, keeping track of schedules, you know - making sure the house is a well-oiled machine. Sort of. But I tell you, Darin would forget to send his own mom a bday card if it wasn't for me.

All that stuff adds up.

I will say this, though, about the discipline: You both have to sit down & decide what rules and consequences are going to be upheld in your house and get on the same page immediately. There are times I don't agree with a punishment D is doling out, or vice-versa, but we stay united no matter what. If you're not united, your kids will take you down one at a time. Compromise a little with each other & try to come to a list of what is really important & what you have to let go because it might not be how you would do it. Then stick to your guns on rules, always follow through on threats & consequences, and lighten up on some things that aren't really a big deal.

That way, there's no "I'll go to Dad for this and Mom for that..." business. And he will know that if he breaks a rule, (This) is the punishment. End of story. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

When he is three, we will let you in on the wonder that is the chore chart!!!! Best thing ever!!!!

Keep in mind, too, your moods/anger swings are probably being caused by the hormones. I wanted to kill people when I was pregnant. Kill. Seriously. Murder or "Murdalize" as my mom used to say. Yes it is a woman's burden, but that's why our sex is entrusted with the mysteries and miracle of life. We're "Steel Magnolias" right??? HA HA HA!

Che will do just fine. He is your kid. End of story. If you treat him like just as much of your kid as the bio one, he'll just act like any brother would - excited, protective, jealous, attention-seeking & helpful too. Did you know that Nadja wouldn't speak to me for the first 2 weeks after Romana was born?